Trump is About Life

Enough time has passed, and enough silence on the part of my former friend, that I've decided it's time to talk about a conversation I had a year ago. It was right after Trump became president, and tensions were understandably high.

Let me give you a little background: my friend was someone I'd met through theatre. We worked on a few shows together, went swing dancing a couple times, and shared some drinks. We didn't get to see each other more often than every few months, but we messaged back and forth almost daily. Our talks ranged from discussions about acting, our dreams for the future, and politics. They were even more personal than that, as we supported each other through (and sometimes out of) toxic relationships. If she was having a difficult time with her family, for instance, I would usually be the one to discuss with her what she should do, or go out and get drinks with her after a particularly painful interaction with her parents.

Anyhow, there was one day where I messaged her about something mundane, and heard nothing back. About a week later, I followed up on it, and she gave me a cryptic, one-word answer. My sixth sense told me something wasn't right, and I pressed her for more. Here's how the conversation went down via messenger:

Me: "Everything ok?"

Her: "Ok."

Me: "We good?"

Her: "I must admit it is aggravating when good men do nothing, but you're an autonomous adult."

Me: "I'm confused...can you elucidate?"

Her: "Trump."

Me: "Is this in relation to me? I'm sorry, I'm really confused right now. Is this something we can talk on the phone about?"

Her: "There is nothing to talk about. Like I said, you are an independent adult. I just have no patience for those who sit on their hands, while a fascist sits in the Oval Office."

Me: "Ok, so you are upset with me for not doing more about Trump, right?"

Her: "'More' is a comparative adjective. I'm not going to lecture or scold. You make your own decisions. And I make mine."

Me: "I think it'd be really good for us to talk on the phone. We need to talk through things. You're my friend, and I don't want you to be upset with me. But I need to understand."

Her: "We're talking now. These days I'm spending my free time protesting."

Me: "We're talking, but I feel very much like you're upset with me. I don't understand what you're saying, and I really need to understand. Your comments are not clear enough to me, so that I'm left feeling like I've done something wrong without knowing what it is."

Her: "I am upset with any man or woman who does nothing to oppose a man like Trump."

Me: "So do you think I have done nothing to oppose Trump?"

Her: "What have you done?"

Me: "I have done what I thought was right in regards to the election and current social issues."

Her: "Which was?"

Me: "We can't have this discussion like this. Can we please talk on the phone? Too much is lost in translation."

Her: "What vote did you cast? What protest did you attend? What representative did you call? What have you DONE?"

Me: "So here's the deal: just because I haven't done things the way you think they should be done, does not give you the right to judge me. It is none of your business how I make my political/social choices. I know I pressed you for an explanation, but that was because your silence and then your cryptic answers made it very clear to me that things were not ok. I don't believe your behavior to me at the moment is in any way appropriate. I'm removing myself from this conversation, but will be open in the future to talk if you can be more straightforward and charitable."

Her: "Nothing. You did nothing. And that is all it takes for evil to prevail. Or Trump to take over the White House."

Me: "I have nothing more to say. This conversation is done. You have judged me implicitly. You have not given me the benefit of the doubt. You have made assumptions. You are not treating me as a friend should."

Her: "You never answered my question."

Me: "It's not any of your business. Especially when you assume that because it's not the way you would do it, it's nothing."

Her: "What have you DONE?"

Me: "I live my life according to my conscience. I treat people with love and care. The things I didn't do are not because I don't care, but because I personally don't believe they are the best course of action for me. I'm not judging you for what you do/don't do. Would you like an itemized list of all the things I have done since I was a child to help those who need help? To show care, give time, money, and effort? It will be a long list."

Her: "This is about Trump."

Me: "No. This is about life. Trump is about life. Each person is deciding in his or her own way what is the best course of action. It's not up to you to decide how I go about that."

Her: "Inaction isn't illegal. But I have no respect for it either. If I'm wrong--if you've done something--please correct me."

Me: "You have assumed inaction on my part. Because I didn't vote, I didn't protest. That doesn't mean that I don't care, that I'm not trying to do what I think will help."

Her: "What action have you taken?"

Me: "Stop. I'm done. Back off."

Her: "Don't start conversations and invite questions you won't finish or answer. Leave if you want."

Me: "No. You became distant and then cryptic. I asked to understand if there was something I did wrong. Once you explained where your issue with me was, I understood that it was not something that is any of your business. Especially since you have decided to judge me without the information and make assumptions. I do not tend to take political action, because I don't see it as something that works well. That does NOT meant that I don't live my life in a way that tries to alleviate human suffering. That does NOT mean that I judge others for making different choices than I do. You made assumptions and have decided that because I don't do things the way you think I should, you have no respect for me. That is unfair, and unkind. This conversation is over, because you are not showing me the respect a friend deserves."

Her: "Political action works. History confirms that."

Me: "Ok, fine. But it is not how I choose to do things most of the time."

Her: "Silence implies complicity."

Me: "Fuck. Off. Don't you EVER tell me that my actions imply complicity. Or my silence or inaction or whatever else you have assumed about me as a person. DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT."

Her: "If you have done anything, please correct me."

Me: "I have NOT done anything politically. No protests. I didn't vote. If that is enough for you to condemn me as a human and more importantly as a friend, then there is nothing more I can do."

Her: "'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.' - Edmund Burke."

Me: "Over and out. Peace."

And just like that, she cut me out of her life. I waited for a while, but never heard anything back. Eventually I un-friended her, but didn't block her. She has never reached out to me. All of our years of friendship and caring and supporting meant absolutely nothing to her. Instead, her mind and emotions had become so clouded with black and white thinking, had been so completely filled with all the drivel constantly spewed these days, i.e., if you disagree on any point you are therefore guilty of all, that she lost a dear friend in a matter of minutes.

Yes, I didn't vote. I know that's a very serious thing to do. I claim responsibility for what that might cause, and I may find one day that I made the wrong choice. But I made the only choice I thought I could, in good conscience, make.

People aren't seeing people as people these days, but instead as groups, classes, skin colors, and ideologies. There is no nuance, there is no allowance for nuance. You either ARE, or you AREN'T. To assume guilt because someone makes a different choice than you, is the height of intellectual immaturity. It's what drives ideologies, and it's this inflexibility of thinking that has been causing such division. Few people seem to know how to have a discussion if it involves disagreement of any kind.

What's funny (but not really) is that folks have oftentimes blamed religions for employing the same tactics (and often enough it's true), and left them for that very reason.  But a lot of these same people really need to get off their self-righteous high horses, because they are doing the EXACT SAME THING. And if they stopped judging for five seconds and took a look at themselves, maybe - just MAYBE - they could see that.