Not Without Hope

I just finished reading the book "Interview With a Vampire" by Anne Rice. I never would've picked up the book, but my sister was reading it and loved it - so I thought I'd give it a shot. The story and writing is fascinating. But what really struck me was how much I identified with the main characters, two vampires named Lestat and Louis. In Anne Rice's stories, vampires are able to see, hear, taste, feel life more fully than humans.

Lestat was a vampire who seemed very beautiful to Louis at first. But soon he discovered that Lestat had no appreciation for beauty, but instead devoured with an insatiable appetite. Lestat, in a sense, wanted to experience everything. But in trying to experience everything, he missed out on the actual experience - being too busy yearning for the next thing. Louis, meanwhile, was struck by how much he noticed in the world as a vampire. He could sit for hours studying the flame of a candle and be struck by its mesmerizing beauty. He also saw the ugliness of a vampire's existence and was disgusted by it. He struggled with the meaning of it all, wondering again and again why God ever created vampires.

I can see in myself aspects of both characters. As regards Lestat, I find myself always yearing to experience it all; but at the same time missing the beauty of the experience I'm in. And as for Louis, I see life stretching before me and it seems ugly and pointless.

I've been learning things about God. And one of the things I'm certain of is that God is complete. When He says in Ezekiel 43:9, "Now let them put away from me their prostitution and the lifeless idols of their kings, and I will live among them forever", that means a whole lot. "Lifeless idols" is absolutely true, because outside of God everything in this world is lifeless. Within God, our lives are complete, full and utterly beautiful. What this means for me is that my life is not meaningless. In complete fellowship with God, my life is complete and my experiences are beautiful and should be treasured. There is a reason for my existence and it is not without hope.

Silent

In the Disney Pixar movie Wall-E, humans live on a ship in outer space. They grow fatter and fatter as they zip around in their motorized chairs. They communicate with others via a screen suspended in front of their faces. When one human's screen is temporarily shut down, she finds to her surprise that she is seated by a huge swimming pool.

She did not know the ship had a swimming pool because she had never noticed it before.

"We cover our ears with Walkman headphones to drown out 'noise pollution'," writes Uta Hagen in A Challenge for the Actor, "when actually we are blocking out thoughts and suspending all imagination."

God desires to meet with us and communicate to us. We, however, drown Him out with our "noise". We focus on ourselves and our busy-ness, our goals and our desires. We have no time for either God or anyone else.

Just as we forget how to listen to others, so we forget how to listen to God. We do not hear Him speak, because we are making too much noise to hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:11-12).

We must learn how to listen.

We must learn how to be silent.

Don't Know

Crazy theatre, I can't get away from it. I love it even when I hate it. I'm always thinking/talking/doing theatre. And so far, all this thinking/talking/doing of mine has been entirely solo. No outside input, please; this is my art and I'll create it on my own. Thanks.

But you know, lately I've become dissatisfied with lonesome ole' me. I don't want to do it on my own anymore. Cuz I've been learning just how much I don't know about theatre. I suppose this realization should be somewhat discouraging to me, having styled myself a sort-of Lone Ranger type.

But once I put aside my arrogant assumption that I can somehow "arrive" on my own, or even at all, I find myself incredibly thrilled at how exciting it is not to know. Not knowing means there's a lot out there to know - to discover, explore, soak in; the opportunity for growth through the meeting of minds.

My art really is a work in progress. It never will be perfect. And for me, being someone who loves to create, the possibilities become endless. I hope even in heaven I won't know it all. That way I can keep learning.

Frustrated by Protestors

The other day I got stuck in traffic caused by a caravan of protestors. Cars, trucks and vans, making their way slowly down the parkway, were marked with slogans such as, "Stop racist laws against immigrants."

Obviously the illegal immigration issue is a huge one right now; and especially in the area in which I live, as local politicans are seriously considering laws that would restrict certain government services to illegal immigrants.

Now if I were an illegal immigrant, I know I would be highly concerned about these restrictions - they would make it that much harder for me to live in the United States. And as an American citizen, I don't pretend to understand everything pertaining to the issue, nor do I pretend to have all of the answers.

All the same, I couldn't help feeling frustrated by all of the protestors.

For one thing: the immigration issue does not concern people coming to the United States legally, but instead only concerns those people entering the country illegally. Don't stuff everyone with all this crap about racism. I want all people from all nations to have the opportunity to come into the country. All I ask is that they enter it legally and with respect for its laws.

For another thing: I pay my taxes every year, which fund even an illegal immigrant's access to medical care, education, paved roads, etc.; and if the illegal immigrants then turn around and berate me for thinking about removing those privileges freely provided, it is as if they are saying, "Why are you taking these privileges away from us? We feel it is our right to receive them."

To which I would reply, "What right is that? You're not a legal citizen."

Frankly, I'm not sure the best procedure is to deny government services to illegal immigrants who are already in the United States. I tend to think that our country's best success will be in restricting our borders to prevent any more illegal access and in that way improving the opportunity for those who desire to enter the United States legally.

But for goodness' sake - how can anyone take for granted taxpayer-funded services, who does not even respect the laws set in place by said taxpayers to enter the country legally?

Absalom, Absalom!

William Faulkner's writing style is different from any that I've ever read. The only way I can think to describe it is by an image of a pattern being woven on a loom - the threads journey in and out of one another, covering in a way the same sort of territory as before, only each time through the pattern becomes fuller and more beautiful.

William Faulkner's narrative in "Absalom, Absalom" crosses back again and again over the same story and each time it does the image becomes a little clearer. Taste, smell, texture, color, odor, emotion - all are brought vividly to life through a wandering but purposeful tale. William Faulkner seems to have spent years with his characters, talking with them and learning all that he can about them. The result of which is that each character's actions and feelings are raw and real and the plot develops naturally from the characters themselves - rather than the characters being contrived from a pre-conceived plot.

William Faulkner opens his story with a description of "...Miss Coldfield in the eternal black which she had worn for forty-three years now, whether for sister, father, or nothusband [sic] none knew, sitting so bolt upright in the straight hard chair that was so tall for her that her legs hung straight and rigid as if she had iron shinbones and ankles, clear of the floor with that air of impotent and static rage like children's feet, and talking in that grim haggard amazed voice..." and immediately draws you into a starkly beautiful and tragic world. He commands your absolute attention, attaching significance to each word written. And he leaves you marveling at the beauty of the story he has brought to life.

Life Conclusions

There is something to be said for being independently wealthy. Having been 4 days out of my job and bearing the title "unemployed", I am blissfully enjoying the absence of any job demanding my time, care and attention.

Not that I haven't discovered certain things about myself, since leaving my job, to give me pause for concern. I have noticed over the past few days a rather alarming compulsive habit I have developed, brought out and pounded firmly into place in the deepest part of my being by nearly three years of work at a title company, that forces me to be constantly searching for and completing projects in a frantic sort of way - much as one might prepare for a battle or a political campaign.

Which bliss and alarming discovery lead me to two important conclusions: one is that I will need to marry a very rich man - and soon - so that I won't ever have to work at another job; my second conclusion is that I will either have to schedule a specific time each day to cease all flurry of activity (such as yesterday evening when my mom asked me if I was feeling well, because I was still sitting at the table after dinner was over, and I replied that I was just "trying to do nothing"), or I will need to make regular visits to a psychiatrist.

The beauty of it all is that by the time I marry my very rich man, I will be so good at "doing nothing" that I will be able to spend all day sitting at home and eating bon-bons and watching soap operas.

Flip-Flop

It seems like there's a flip side to almost every idea. Take the Christian walk, for example. As a believer, you can choose to focus all of your efforts and energy on perfecting yourself, or you can focus on becoming more Christ-like. "So what's the difference?" you say. "Same thing, right?"

Nope.

The one side directs all of your attention on yourself, the other side directs it all on Christ.

I recently read a book called "Created to Be His Helpmeet", by Debi Pearl. The author lays down a strict set of rules for every wife to follow, with the ultimate goal of producing a good marriage. But shouldn't the ultimate goal of every wife be to glorify God? If all you want is to have a good marriage, then of course you will need to focus on yourself, on perfecting yourself. But if your desire is to glorify God, then you must focus all of your attention on God.

And there's a big difference between the two.

Lauren Winner is an author who challenges the way readers analyze ideas. In her book "Real Sex", she describes a speech on singleness and chastity she attended. Lauren writes, "(the speaker) seems to be working toward becoming, principally, the kind of woman Prince Charming wants, which incidentally may be the kind of woman God wants. Her priorities, I would suggest, need to flip-flop. We are to become persons of God, and this may bear the incidental fruit of attracting a great partner. For the point of chastity is not that you turn yor attention away from other people to make you more attractive to them but that you turn your attention away from sexual and romantic entanglements with other people and orient yourself toward God."