#metoo

I do not condone harassment, assault, or rape.

I want every victim to feel safe enough to speak out when they are harmed.

I believe that we always need to fight to promote a culture of respect.

That being said, I have had some concerns about the #metoo campaign:

I've noticed that some women have been taking this movement and making it their issue alone. This concerns me, because women are not the only victims, and men are not the only perpetrators. I know many good people behind this campaign who would totally agree with me. But I've noticed a lot of comments and posts on social media calling the campaign a victory for women.

However, think about how the hashtag started: the first celebrity to be called out was Harvey Weinsten. His actions were unacceptable, and he should be held responsible for them. But think back...remember when Corey Feldman spoke out? He and others made it very clear that there is a huge problem in Hollywood with predators, and its victims aren't just women. And at the time, nobody would believe them. Now is the chance for them to actually be heard, and yet the male vs. female emphasis currently at play makes me think that victims such as Corey Feldman will inadvertently be asked to remain silent again. I've seen several of my male friends share their personal stories as a result of the campaign, which I'm glad of. But how many other male victims are going to see what's being said about the campaign and think that they're not allowed to speak?

Rooting out predators is very important. But if we just stop there, we're not addressing the whole issue. See, I think it all goes a lot deeper. An abusive adult oftentimes comes from an abusive childhood. I have personally experienced predatory adults who were first preyed upon as children, including by their mothers and female teachers. So if you root out a predator, who's a man, you can't necessarily deduct that men are the issue. What you can logically assume is that the man was most likely victimized when he was a child (or an adult), by either a man or a woman.

I'm trying to make this make sense: yes, we need to speak out when these bad things happen, and predators (no matter what their history) need to be held responsible for what they have done. But then we need to look at the whole picture when trying to deal with a cultural problem.

I worked an acting job for a program designed to train cops, attorneys, and social workers how to interview child victims of sexual abuse. I and my fellow actors would be given profiles of these children (not real, but roughly based on true scenarios). We would role-play, allowing the trainees to practice asking the right questions to find out what had happened to us (i.e., to our characters). And here's the thing: just as many perpetrators were female as male. And just as many victims were male as female. This is a training program designed by people on the ground, dealing with this shit every single day in real life. They know the reality of the issue from first-hand experience.

I know some people accept that men are victims too, but blame the patriarchy for that. I understand the concept of the patriarchy, and agree with some aspects of it. However, whether it's all true or somewhat true, I'm not sure it's helpful in actually dealing with the real-life issues, because life is much more complicated than that. I was recently watching Netflix's "The Punisher." Karen Page (who is one of my favorite characters, by the way, and quite a strong female) says something to the effect of, "I understand that living in New York has its risks, especially as a woman." And yes, she definitely has reason to say that from her personal experience. But it felt out of place, because during the entire course of the show 99% of the characters who experienced violence were men. Someone might argue that the people victimizing the men in this story are other men. And that all the men are making their choices as a result of toxic masculinity. I think that plays a part. But then it's also complicated by the fact that every man who is brutalized is making choices for various different reasons: some of them are because of family, of wives and children. Many of the men are just attempting to survive, and don't have a lot of say in what happens or the choices that are made. And not all of the people "at the top" are men. There are women there, too, with power.

I guess in my mind, it all boils down to, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Maybe a woman victimizes a man because once she was victimized by a different man. But that different man: who victimized him? If women are perpetrators, then that means that men and women are responsible for a history of victimization. It means that all the blame can't be placed on patriarchy or men. Hold people responsible for THEIR actions, not the actions of all those who are like them.

I would also like to mention that we need to be careful we're not employing a double-standard: if a woman victimizes another individual, she needs to be held responsible. Lena Dunham openly tells a story in her memoir of sexually abusing her little sister. She needs to be called to task for that, especially if we're holding men responsible for those same actions. And how about Asia Argento? Where is the outcry from the #metoo movement about that? Maybe men are going to be most damaging with physical violence, especially directed towards a woman. But emotional, mental, and psychological abuse can be employed by ANY individual, whether male or female. And women can be quite skilled at physically abusing their children.

For me, I take the issue of assault and rape very seriously. I know the effect it has on a person long-term. But please remember, women aren't the only ones who are hurting, and aren't the only ones made to be helpless.

We don't want to keep silencing victims. So that means we can't silence any victims, whether they're male or female.