The Walking Dead

I've been binge-watching The Walking Dead recently. It's crazy that I do it, because it wears me out. Each of the characters endures near-constant hardship, and most die a violent death just after you've gotten emotionally invested in them. I think part of the reason I've stuck with it for as long as I have, though, is because the show really makes me think about life (also, welcome to my brain, which never fully shuts off).

Anyhow, the show follows several characters trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. They often travel in a group, and their numbers increase and decrease constantly. They frequently find a place to settle, but inevitably are driven back on the road because of walkers or, worse, humans who are so broken and terrified that they inflict more pain on their fellow-humans than zombies ever could.

Nobody in the show knows from one moment to the next whether they will make it. Nobody knows whether the people they love will make it. But still they fight on and even hope. It seems too horrible to be real, until you stop and think about how often life is like that. I mean, most of us won't experience that level of violence, but the ups and downs are just as unpredictable and unsure. Also, there are people I know who have come much closer to the pain these characters have experienced than I probably ever will. And look at Syria right now: the folks stuck in that city are living in an apocalypse every day. Human suffering and evil is not a thing of the past, it is a reality that everyone may and often does have to face in some form or another.

Anyhow, my life has been very good, but there have also been hardships - some big and some small. They've been as simple as car troubles or as complicated and painful as heartbreak. And each time I'm faced with a challenge, I have the option to accept and fight, or give up. Even if I choose to fight, though, I may not win. There is never a guarantee. So what's the point, then? What good does such an outlook do? Well, for one, I've come to understand that that's the way life is, and choose to accept it. There's a lot of pain, and there's no guarantee. But I want to be alive, which requires me to see reality for what it is.

Second, I've learned that you can't truly appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. I know that's cliched, and it doesn't explain the truly horrific things that people have endured. But for many of us, we are refined through hardship, and are able to appreciate more of the beauty in life because of it. Honestly, if I hadn't experienced the pain of dating someone who struggled with addiction, and then had to leave him; or if I hadn't readily endured constant belittling from another partner and finally gotten away, I never would have understood just how broken I started out and how much I needed to learn to respect myself. I never would have known how strong my love addiction was, but also how strong I could become in fighting it.

I never would have been able to develop the tools I needed to live this life. I hit some very dark moments, moments where I considered hurting myself on the outside to take away the pain on the inside; moments where I wanted to just go to sleep for a long time and stop fighting to get food down my throat, stop fighting the constant waves of anxiety. Sometimes all I could do was breathe. But then I realized that was something I COULD do: just breathe. I learned how to embrace respite, how to renew my strength in the breathing for when the struggle returned - because something else I've learned is that personal battles are long, and we have to revisit them a lot. Just like, eventually, more zombies come along that have to be killed.

But out of all of that crap, I realized that without it I never would have seen the good when it came my way. And if I hadn't gone through everything and learned about my enabling personality, my old habits would have kicked in and ruined the good stuff - because I never would have had the motivation to do what I call my "personal shit work": to dig deeper and become a healthier person for myself and for those I care about. And there are some good, some wonderful things that I have been ready for this time around. Sometimes you figure out what truly matters once you understand what doesn't matter. When the characters in the show find a place to rest, when they find warmth and food and safety if only for a moment, I understand now just how wonderful those simple pleasures can be. I've stopped chasing things that I thought were what I wanted, and am learning what it is I actually need (and what actually makes me happy).

Ultimately, though, what terrifies me the most is how to accept the good when it shows up. Because as much as it is good, there is the likelihood that eventually it will be lost. And that seems even more painful than not having it to begin with. However, I feel like watching The Walking Dead forces me to look that particular monster very hard in the face. I have to constantly ask myself, "How much do you want the good, knowing what may follow?" It forces me to learn how to accept what is out of my control, and ultimately how to fully enjoy what I have, while I have it.

See, I tend to think too much about what's next, and forget to experience what's now. But as I'm learning how life works, I'm also learning how to experience more good and more beauty, in addition to the rest. If I want to experience life, then it means I have to breathe through the fear, grab my weapons, stand tall, and face the zombies.